Said I'm Fine But It Wasn't True
by Angelina Johnson
Summary: Jaime's carried the weight of casting an Unforgivable Curse on Aerys Targaryen around with him for months. All it takes is one person finally asking him why for things to start feeling a little lighter. Or, that time when Jaime Lannister told Brienne Tarth his deepest, darkest secret and promptly decided she was his new best friend. (Hogwarts AU, for JB Appreciation Week 2019)


**Author's Note: **This is belatedly posted on because my laptop was broken and would only access AO3 for some reason but... here's the Author's Note I wrote there, not edited to reflect that this is getting posted weeks later here because I'm lazy.

"Hey guys! So I was trying to write this WHOLE story for today, but... that really wasn't fair, because I've been mulling a Braime Hogwarts AU for MONTHS and have a vision for it that's way too big to be captured in just a JB Appreciation Week drabble. For today, I'm just posting a little preview of a larger story to come later - hope that's okay.

Title taken from Taylor Swift's 'Cruel Summer.' Title of the eventual longer work will be a DIFFERENT part of Taylor Swift's 'Cruel Summer,' because it be like that sometimes."

* * *

**_said i'm fine but it wasn't true_**

* * *

Jaime never would have imagined that _one _snowstorm could have changed the course of his life, yet as far as he was concerned, it had.

He'd spent _months _bearing the weight the situation with Aerys. He'd spent _months _with no one giving a damn about the _why _, only cursing him for the _what _. Jaime had been sulky and miserable and withdrawn, and all it had taken was _one _afternoon with nowhere better to go than the Prefect's bathroom for all of that to change.

For the rest of the Christmas holidays, he finds himself drawn to Brienne. He feels _lighter _around her than he does around anyone else. Like his old self again.

She's the only person who'd decided it was important to ask Jaime about his 's the only person that _doesn't _think he's despicable for casting that Imperius Curse.

Jaime kind of thinks that might be enough to make her his new best friend.

* * *

While there are only thirteen people in the entirety of the castle, Brienne does not mind when he plops down beside her at the Hufflepuff table every mealtime. She does not mind when she comes out for her morning runs and finds him waiting at the castle's front door for her. She even seems _glad _, when she's helping him with spells in the library, or when they're playing Exploding Snap and he's laughing hysterically at the black goop that ends up all over her face. She goes flying with him, and sometimes — his _favorite _times — they just sneak up to the top of the Astronomy Tower and just _talk _under the stars.

It's nice, the routine they fall into. When Jaime looks at Brienne Tarth, he doesn't see the gigantic, ugly girl that other people see. He doesn't see some boring, by-the-book girl who's always so damned _honorable _and _good _. He sees someone who took the time to really try to understand him when no one has done that for _years _, and every time he's around her he gets such an overwhelming surge of _gratitude _.

Glad that she'd listened. Glad that she'd understood. Glad that he gets to be _around _her, as much as he wants, it seems.

Jaime should have _known _it was too good to be true. Sixth year has been the equivalent of a Muggle dumpster fire for him so far; he should have _known _that Brienne Tarth wouldn't last.

But he didn't. He trusted that they were friends. Real, _actual _friends, and he hadn't thought anything could change that now that she knew his deepest secret.

But as soon as the rest of the students are back at Hogwarts after their holiday, it _does _.

* * *

Jaime first notices it when he waves at Brienne from across the Great Hall. Instead of waving back, or rolling her eyes fondly at him, she ducks her head. Like she's embarrassed. Like she doesn't want people to know they're friends.

He waits for her for their morning run the next day, too, but she doesn't show up. Jaime goes in the direction of where he thinks the Hufflepuff Common Room is, wandering aimlessly, but there's no sign of her, and finally he has to give up and go get breakfast lest he end up hungry until lunch.

She's always sitting so closely to people at the Hufflepuff table that he can't hope to get close to her at mealtimes, and she always leaves in too much of a hurry for him to try and chase her out of the hall and talk. Jaime knows he should probably give up and give her the space she so obviously wants, but he doesn't want to. Most of his relationships before were superficial; at an arm's length. His relationships _now _are mostly non-existent.

Brienne had been special. She'd started to mean so much, so fast, and he can't just let her go.

* * *

"Brother, you've been acting _exceedingly _strange," Tyrion tells him that afternoon, when they're in the library working. It's not _fun _like it is when Brienne helps him, and Tyrion's not even in his same _year _so it's not ideal for him to be helping Jaime with his coursework.

"Huh?" Jaime says distractedly, not even really listening to him. He keeps glancing at the door, as if he can conjure Brienne out of thin air — is there a spell for that? Maybe he should start flipping the pages of his book _searching _for one. Maybe he could summon her, or… find a way to Apparate her to his side, without ever touching her. There's got to be _some _way.

But it seems he doesn't have to. As Tyrion is explaining to him his own odd behavior, Jaime spots the top of her head, straw-blonde hair peaking out over the top of a fairly short bookshelf.

"I've got to go," Jaime says breathlessly, jumping right out of his chair and racing to the other side of the library. The librarian shoots him a nasty look, but he doesn't care. There's no one else that head of hair could belong to, and if he doesn't go chasing after Brienne now, Merlin knows how long it will be until he gets a chance to talk to her again.

"Brienne," he says as he rounds the shelf and finds her still there, standing in an aisle with loads of books about defensive magic. She looks like she's just had a Lumos charm cast in her face, the way she blinks in surprise, and Jaime doesn't give her another moment to react. He reaches out with one hand to grab hers, the other going to his wand.

"Jaime," she says, confusion. "What are you going to do, stun me?" Her eyes are darting back and forth between his two hands; a blush creeps onto her face when she looks at the one that's clutching to hers for dear life, looking baffled at the hand on his wand.

"I was thinking a leg-lock curse, actually, so you couldn't run, but I suppose stunning might have the same effect," he says, a wide smile spreading over his face. He shouldn't be _happy _; she still seems like she'd rather be anywhere but here. But these are the first words she's said to him since term started, and _gods _, how can you miss someone so much in barely a week?

"Why are you doing this?" she asks him, yanking her hand out of his. She doesn't put a hand on her own wand, though; she still trusts him not to hurt her in any way. Jaime wasn't _really _bluffing about the hex, though; he's desperate, and he'd gladly suffer through a detention or ten if it means he gets an explanation for why she's been avoiding him.

"Doing _what _? Trying to figure out why my friend is avoiding me? I think that's perfectly reasonable, don't you?" he replies, not bothering to beat around the bush. It's going to _hurt _, hearing that she doesn't care that she knows the truth, she can't bear other people's reactions to seeing her with him, but he'd rather _know _. He'd rather have her rip his heart out and get it over with, instead of leaving it in his chest and letting it fracture into more and more tiny pieces as he tries to make sense of her abandonment on his own.

"You _know _why," Brienne insists, trying to keep her voice quiet lest they be kicked out of the library. He doesn't give a _damn _about disrupting people, but he doesn't want to give her a chance to get too far away again.

He _does _know, why, or at least he thinks he does. But…

"I need you to say it."

He stands as tall as he can, trying to look brave. She's still taller than him, though, and he probably just looks ridiculous.

"Please don't make me do this," Brienne says, and she at least has the decency to look a bit _torn _. As she should! She's supposed to be the good, honorable one. The _loyal _one, isn't that what Hufflepuffs are all about? But it's not very loyal to let someone pour their heart out to you in a damned tub and then let them be truly _happy _for the first time in ages, only to leave them in the dust.

"Say it," Jaime insists again, and she ducks her head, unable to meet his eyes.

"It's just that… you're very _handsome _, Jaime. And I'm very… ugly," she begins, and now _he's _the one confused. If she'd just _look _at him, she'd see how puzzled he was written all over his face. But she won't look, she's just staring at her shoes, as if this is all very embarrassing for her. "Beautiful people don't want to be friends with someone like me, not for long. I just figured it would be easier, this way. Then you wouldn't have to tell me that you can't be seen with me anymore; I was just trying to do it for you."

Jaime barks out a laugh at that. A very _loud _one. He hears _shhhs _coming from all around them, but he doesn't care. He shouts back, "Piss off, I'm talking to my friend!" even as he takes her hand again and starts dragging her towards the exit. She looks aghast, and they're _certainly _about to be kicked out; they might as well leave as fast as they can and try to avoid the indignity. For her — Jaime still doesn't care, but Brienne takes her responsibilities as a Prefect quite seriously. Being publicly kicked out wouldn't set the best of examples.

She looks quite frazzled, by the time they're safely out of the library doors, and Jaime can't help laughing at her again.

"Stop! Enough people laugh at me already," Brienne huffs, and that only makes Jaime laugh harder.

"Are you as ridiculous with them as you are with me? If you are, I can understand why they'd be so entertained," Jaime tells her, although he tries to quell his laughter. He needs to be serious now, for her.

"Brienne, you're just about the only person in this castle I _do _want to be friends with anymore. Did you really think that was going to change, just because the number of people in the castle has multiplied?"

"I…" she begins, her face turning that blotchy red again. Jaime makes a mental note to fluster her like this more often; it's quite amusing, seeing her at a loss for words.

"I'd magically magnify my voice and shout it for the whole castle to hear, if it would make you believe me. Now can we _please _just go back to being us now? I've been quite miserable without you all week, I don't fancy spending next week feeling the same."

Brienne swallows, taking an extra beat to process what he's said. Jaime expects her to fight him on it a bit more, to say more drivel about their looks or make some other excuse. But it doesn't come; she simply nods her head, and Jaime's so relieved that this avoidance is over that he throws his arms around her and pulls her into a tight hug.

* * *

Things are mostly good, after that, although Jaime's not _really _certain that Brienne believes how much his friendship matters to her until a snowy Saturday near the end of January. He's talking to her in the Great Hall, pointing at the imitation of snow falling from the ceiling, whining and begging her to come out and play in it with him. She's scolding him, saying that neither one of them needs to catch cold by being out in this weather.

Cersei spots them, and she waltzes over, looking smug before she even reaches them. Jaime can't imagine why; she blows him hot and cold when it's convenient for her, and she only wants to talk to him now because he's talking to someone else. Because he wouldn't _care _if she was ignoring him.

It's like his twin thinks she has something to prove, and she says, "Jaime, dearest, it's been _too _long since we had a quality Saturday afternoon together. It's dreadfully hard to spend time with you, since you went and got sorted into another house and all."

Jaime wants to roll his eyes, but he refrains. He's already about to annoy Cersei, he can tell; he doesn't need to provoke her, lest she end up being crueler to Brienne than usual. Still… it annoys _him _, the way that she acts as if him being a Gryffindor was some great betrayal to her and their 'twin bond.' It annoys him even more, the way that she still holds it against him all these years later, but that's besides the point.

He's with the one person who understands what he's been through, these last few months. He's _happy _. For once, Cersei's demeaning him can't get to him.

"Is that an invitation, sister? Because I'm actually just about to kick Brienne's arse at a snowball fight, but I'm sure I could find time for you some other day," Jaime tells her. It's almost sickly sweet, an imitation of how _she _acts, and her eyes flash with anger that instantly fades, before anyone who _didn't _share a womb with her could even notice it was ever there at all.

Cersei turns on her heel and marches away, her head still held high as if she _hadn't _just been brushed off by her twin brother. She's good at that, acting unaffected. It might be one of the few traits that all of the Lannister family shares.

Still, he can feel her eyes still on him as he boldly slings an arm over Brienne's shoulders, steering her out of the castle and into the snow.


End file.
